Tuesday, 9 March 2010

On reflection....

It's funny, I've been thinking lots about what people in my past are up to now. I've kept in touch with so many people....not one to drop friends me, but with everything that has happened over the past 9 months, I feel like I just want to see where people are and what they're doing.

The last few days have been tough....probably because I'm now in the run up to my next appointment. I think I've been so focused on my fundraising up until now that the last 3 weeks have flown by...sort of been working off the adrenaline. And then last week I just started to feel really depressed again....just really moody. No cause, not even overly sad about MM, but it did turn into that. Poor poor Nick!!!

I'm not sure it helped watching 'My Sister's Keeper'. I blubbed from 60 seconds in until the end. I mean, I know I'm emotional, but that was just ridiculous. But it was hard and made the idea of chemo pretty real to me. I am still not close to that, and hopefully won't be after next Friday, but I can't help at these times, but to worry a bit about what the future might hold. Everything people ask us to do, and I'm there wondering if I'll be well enough, whether I'll have started treatment, and when we're talking years ahead, wondering if I'll be lucky enough to still be here. There is so much unknown with this bloody cancer and I really hate it. I'm not quite sure what I did to have ended up with this on my plate, on our plate. But then I think perhaps I am lucky, there are people out there who don't have loads of family and friends to support them through this sort of thing....I do. The most amazing family and friends ever and I am indebted to them already.

I just hate this run up to giving blood and getting my results a week later. I wonder if the run up to the bloods is sometimes as hard...once that's done, it's all out of my control!

Nick's away this week....going to try to fill up my week so it isn't so lonely. He's got loads on so I really want to stay positive for him.

Anyway, chilling with a glass of wine now and looking forward to a nice day with Sam tomorrow....I might even take him to the farm for the first time in 2010!!

1 comment:

  1. Hi Deb, I can relate to everything you just wrote...the fear (though my cheerful positive personality takes over quickly, and I shoo away any negative thoughts!), the worrying about test results (one week? Hah, over here I have to wait at least three...), the wondering if I will still be here years from now and so on. Eh. A glass of wine or some chocolate is always good...and looking forward to spending a "fun" day with Sam (your boy, I guess, what a cutiepie!).
    Anyway, focus on the happy stuff and try not to worry!
    Your pal in Florence. :-)


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