So it's been a while since I last wrote.
To be totally honest, I've found the last week or so quite tough. Not that I've felt particularly worse, but more because I'm going through a blip where I am so tired from the side effects, and so tired of not feeling my usual active self, that I am just a bit fed up of it all. The good thing is I know it won't last, but it doesn't make it nice while I'm going through it.
I like to think that I've handled this damned diagnosis pretty well since it all kicked off in 2009. Without even trying it has seemed to be fairly natural not to blame other people, wonder 'Why me?' or get cross about the whole thing. I almost feel like sometimes friends and family expect me to be showing those feelings, and with some friends, I think they are disappointed not to see me collapse in a heap in the floor....maybe because that's what they would do.
But this week, I've felt a bit like I'm not quite sure how I face this for my (ok yes, shortened) lifespan! It's wierd. I suppose at the beginning, and once you get over the initial diagnosis and the shock of it all, it almost becomes a 'novelty' thing. Hmmm, should I admit to that one? I certainly felt a little like that while I was training and raising money for my 3 Peaks last year. It felt a bit like being pregnant. But now, that novelty value is well and truly wearing off, and I just wish I could go out without worrying about how I might feel afterwards, whether I will have overdone things for the next day, whether I'm going to get the same old same old questions from people who care. Maybe post transplant, that will happen....for a while at least. I think I might have to use that as the opportunity to cancel MM as a topic of conversation! Maybe if I get remission I can ban it from conversation....hmmm, thinking it's unlikely as that's probably when I'll feel back up to fundraising! Oh well. Maybe I'll feel differently by then.
So, back to now....it's a beautiful sunny day today, after a day of rain yesterday. So I've been in the garden chopping down branches from our neighbours tree (grrrrrrr.....just drops leaves etc all year round!) and have even planted a couple of things! That's probably my lot for today, and I hope I haven't done too much, but I really enjoyed it and it was so warm out there even at 10am that it really lifted my spirits!
One of my lovely best friends is coming over with her gorgeous 5 month old anytime now so that will be nice...time to just catch up and I'll try not to moan too much at her! Hopefully we can sit in the garden and chill out until school pick up :-)
Thanks for sharing. I'm sure Tim has gone through all these same feelings. He decided from the beginning not to feel sorry for himself and he always says, "I have to play the cards I'm dealt." He tries to put it out of his mind and doesn't want his time spent on being sad or angry. As for me, women sometimes ask me how I stay upright. I cried so much in the beginning that I finally realized that it was too hard to function like that. My man and my kid need me. I still cry on occasion when I am alone but I stay strong for those around me. I don't think you ever quite accept it especially when you are too young for this nonsense but we can't change it so we soldier on. SEND some sunshine to Jersey. I can't remember the last time I saw any.
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