Well it's been nearly 2 months since I was first told that I might have to start chemo and I still don't know. It was fine for the first month, but I've been finding it much tougher recently....I just hate the waiting game. I feel like everything is in someone else's hands again and being the control freak that I am, I HATE that!!!
I'm trying really hard to get on and be positive, but in the last couple of weeks I think I've got angry about this whole thing for the first time. It is so unfair that this is happening to us. I know it isn't fair that it happens to anyone, but it's unfair it's us too! We celebrated Sam's 4th birthday the other day which was just fantastic but it brought it home to me again that things might stop me celebrating as many more as I'd like to. I know that sounds morbid and defeatest and I know that lots of people would say that none of us know when our time will be up, but living with that knowledge is pretty tough.
I know we'll cope....we've done pretty well so far. And I'm determined to be as positive as I can be throughout it all, but surely I'm allowed to feel a bit low about it occassionally? Now's my moment!
I emailed the hospital to find out when the chemo would start if that was the decision. My next appointment is the 9th, and it seems that if I do need to start, it would all kick off that day! I needed to know that so I can get my head round it in advance. But it's a bit of a weird concept! To be honest, I just want to know either way now and I know it won't be too bad in the first few months even if I do have to start it.
I have to say, the support I've had from people I've met through this blog and through the Myeloma UK site has been second to none and has helped me to not worry about the actual treatment itself. I don't know how I'd have got my head round it all without that help and advice from people who've already been through it. And that includes lots of people who've gone years after treatment. Fingers crossed that will be me too.
So I'm just hoping that the next week goes pretty fast....luckily Nick isn't away this weekend after all, so I'm hoping that we'll have a super weekend and make the most of it.....that way if I do start treatment, we'll have enjoyed ourselves fully and if I don't, well, we'll still have had a fantastic weekend!!!
Fill you all in next week!
This IS the place to let all those feelings come out because there are plenty who have felt them and can relate and there are those of us who are simply part of a cheering squad to help you through. At any rate, hope you get some answers soon to give you time to "get your head around it."
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