Christmas 2009

Well I hope that everyone had a great Christmas!

I had well and truly been expecting to...goodish results, feeling very unworried, what on earth could go wrong?

Well other than a few disasters with snow, lack of heating, electricity etc everything was going ok and I felt great about the run up to Christmas. Then on the 23rd we got the great news that my little great niece had been born 'Isla Skye Louise Ratcliffe'....lovely news in the run up to Christmas! Which set me off!!

I hadn't for one minute been expecting it....I'd thought I'd be fine until the run up to my next appointment, but when I was told she had been born I just couldn't stop sobbing! A total mixture of absolute happiness for them, and absolute terror and sadness that I might miss some of my other nephews and nieces having their children...which is madness given I haven't even been fully diagnosed yet! So the day continued and I'd be fine and then tell someone my good news (and then start sobbing again in private!!)...silly sod that I am!

And so it has continued. Christmas has been hard this year. As much as I have tried to be positive and not make Nick treat it as my last 'normal' Christmas, secretly it has really worried me and made me really sad. But when you can't admit to your irrational feelings, it is hard to then have the time that you really want as no-one understands what you're feeling. Urrggghhh!! So the last few days have been a bit of a nightmare, one that I have compounded by taking out my frustrations on Nick, and him, I think perhaps burying his head a little and thinking that none of this is going to become real for us. I owe him a big apology though (something I'm not very good at!!) for being such a miserable cow. There was me telling him where he was going wrong, and I wasn't exactly the innocent in it all.

It all seems like such a waste. I wanted such a special Christmas for the kids and us, and it hasn't been that at all. They are such lovely kiddies, and yet sometimes I think we take out our frustrations on them as they can't really respond at 3 and 5. I love them to pieces and would hate to think they would remember me for being a grumpy old nag....perhaps I need to do something about that...help needed!!! Maybe I can try harder in 2010.....there's my resolution for the year!!

Off I go now to try and get some sleep in the hope that I'll be a little less irrational in the morning!

Nite
xx